Why now, shouldn’t I be adjusting and getting used to the situation, why it is now a daily struggle to keep ones mind from dwelling? And perhaps that is just it, I am getting used to it, there is no longer that air of mystery, that intense feeling of disbelief, that overpowering sense of shock and dismay pushing away the truth.
“I miss him whether I remember him or not….”
When it first happened I was terrified that what I remembered was not enough, I was lost thinking about all the moments I could have forgotten, and was desperate to think hard about what I could not conjure up. Then someone said to me, “don’t try and remember you will remember and it will be….” and that is also true, I do remember and now it seems like far too much. When several months ago forgetting seem too painful an idea to handle, now remembering seems worse. If I can’t remember specifics perhaps I will just have a vague feeling of numbness about the whole affair, which may relieve the current sharpness of details; a laugh, a joke, a look.
Mom says they call the 1 year mark “the trench”, I am not sure exactly why, but it sounds foreboding and we are not even there yet.
The suspension of disbelief I had is gone, that surreal idea that he never would walk through the door again, never call again, the nevers go on and on and on, they seem possible now, even believable. And it is the most depressing thing.